My Blog

note: while i was rummaging through my stuff, i found this article i wrote when i was still in college.  after re-reading it for the nth time, i realized that my life hasn’t changed a bit.  if i were to update this article, i would only need to change the year of the title.

SINGLED OUT: HOW I SURVIVED THE ’90s LOVELESS

if there was an organization called Kapunungan ng mga Loveless sa Pilipinas, i would be the first one to express allegiance to the group.  If such a group did exist and they would select the Most Loyal Member, without a doubt, i know i would romp away with the award without even trying hard for it and without going through the tedious process of screening.

i am what  you would call the "unhitched" in a generation when changing partners seems to happen as fast as changing underwears.  in a prom, i would be the spectator in constant search of something while everybody else is on the dance floor, touching one’s partner and moving to the rhythm of the band.  i am the fifth wheel in every double date of friends, always the spare tire, always the best man and never the groom.  i am what rupert everett’s character in "my best friend’s wedding" would describe, "devastatingly handsome who knows how to have fun," only that i am neither handsome nor ugly, nonetheless a regular guy who realizes that life could be fun.  i am everything but the knight in shining armor, and i’ve realized this after painful reconsiderations.

truth of the matter is, months ago, i graduated from being a teenager and now, i’m moving to a more mature phase in life.  the common factor of both chapters of my life is that i spent the first one and the next one alone.  yes, alone but never lonely.

i am proud to say that i am travelling the road less trodden–the road people mistakenly consider the path of loneliness.  of course, the road has never been an easy one as i encountered bumps of criticisms, curves of stereotypes, and potholes of unexamined judgments.

it must be human nature to fear being solitary.  everywhere i go, be it on the street or alone in a restaurant, i can’t help noticing the sneering stare of people, as if i had become the joke of the century.  some people may find dining alone ridiculous; many may feel naked walking alone, but it is in being with one’s self that one can capture the quintessence of life.

admittedly, there are low points in being loveless.  sometimes i get tired of going home late at night and finding out that nobody’s there waiting for me to ask me how my day was or just to greet me goodnight (kahit tawag man lang!).  at times, i turn green with envy when i look around and see lovers display affection publicly.  worse, when i watch mushy romantic movies, i don’t have someone to hold on to except the side of my chair and suddenly, the theater would feel so cold and i get tempted to ask the couple next to me, "pwedeng maki-hug?"

one night after a long day’s work in school, i went home and turned on the radio.  what was on the airwaves was the voice of regine velasquez belting out, "i just don’t wanna be lonely."  i sat for a moment motionless, and the next thing i knew i felt like strangling regine for singing that.  but these bouts of love-sickness are passing.  you feel them a moment, but they would subside as you realize how overwhelmingly beautiful life really is.  you can’t just opt to take your own life because you’re loveless.  drown your sorrows with alcohol?  nah, it would be too expensive and besides, walking through the valley of self-pity would lead you nowhere.

the ’90s has proven to be a breakthrough in everything.  people are starting to lose their inhibitions and decide to live boldly as technology continues to change by the day.  the world seemingly becomes a place not for the weak and i, being loveless, realize that life must be lived to the fullest and with the most positive outlook that life would turn out fine.  people and things help me get through day by day and give meaning to me to rise up each morning and look forward to tomorrow.  should i be asked how i stay happy, i could only give these answers:

prayer. the true pillar of my existence is God.  every day, His words get me going, and understanding that He’s always there gives me an assurance that i will never go through life alone.  if i ever feel lonely, there’s always Him whom i could call on.

family. believe me, they may be the most unappreciated people in our lives, but they truly are our unsung heroes.  as i journey through the drama called life, one thing i learned is that my family is my strength and pedestal.  they’re on-call 24 hours a day, and if i ever get sentimental over things, they’re always there to lend emotional support.

friends. they may be the source of insecurity when you see their love lives blossom, but they’re the ones who drag your feet when you’re not feeling like going out.  in my case, they’re the ones who encourage me to go out with them dateless and they’re the ones who cheer me up when i’m in the lowest key of my life.

music. songs have always been there for me that without them, life would be completely dull.  music has become therapeutic when all my chips are down.  i appreciate different kinds of music, but i can really identify with rhythm and blues because they capture my emotion perfectly.

when i reached the point when i wasn’t so sure about myself, it was whitney houston’s "one moment in time" that convinced me i’m a winner in my own right.  when i got a heartbreak and vowed not to fall prey to the trappings of love, it was jaya’s "i still believe in love" that eased my pain and opened a wider perspective on love for me.

movies. watching films allows me to forget harsh realities.  the very reason why i go for light movies is because i want to escape reality for a while and get lifted and inspired.  movies like "notting hill" and "shakespeare in love" leave a mark in my heart and make me believe in love.

don’t get me wrong, people.  i’m not against love or relationship and i haven’t given up on it.  the way i see it, a relationship is a commitment.  it’s not just having someone beside you so you could feel good about yourself.  it’s not even close to having the grooviest person so one could display him/her publicly.  being in a relationship is about loving and caring for a special someone, walang gamitan, to boost one’s image.

readiness has a lot to do with it.  as of now, i’m flowing with the current.  if cupid won’t hit me for another year or won’t hit me at all, then probably that’s my calling.  if i ever fall in love at 60, then so be it.  anyway, there’s no law mandating people to get into a relationship at a specific time frame.

maybe cupid closed his eyes when he tried to strike me with his arrow, hitting the person beside me.  well, lucky me, i survive being loveless in a society where what matters most is how often you change your partner and at what pace you do it.  but in some cases, it’s good to take phil collin’s song by heart, "you just can’t hurry love."