My Blog

as i continue to wage my greatest battle of the "bulge", i get to think about my motivation for trying to lose weight.  am i doing this for fitness’ sake?  or is this just for "aesthetic" purposes?  last night, i tried to answer this one million dollar question, and undeniably and undoubtedly, the latter is the answer.  i spent hours agonizing about my answer because heaven knows i wanted my purpose to be for health reasons, but i guess the saying, " the truth will set you free" still rings very true.  so there.

i find my attitude very disturbing because for the past years i had advocated this sort of love-your-body-no-matter-what-size-it-is campaign, and i’d like to believe i had successfully convinced my friends and family not to worship the image–perpetuated by media– of the thin and fit person as the epitome of gorgeous.  and here i am working my butt off and envisioning a tighter and leaner me.

things would have remained the same had i not listened to my cousin (shifting blame.  hehehe. very classic).  a few months ago, he–mr. politically incorrect personified–asked me if i liked being stuck in my big frame.  when i answered, "of course," he dared me to go shirtless in front of the mirror and honestly give him the same answer.  i did as i was told, and bless my heavy heart i saw things i hadn’t seen before.  it seemed like for the past years i had grown appendages without me knowing it.

well, i don’t really think my weight is repulsive.  but a tighter abs and a leaner body wouldn’t hurt.  :-)  i was so delighted when i discovered the word "phat".  longman’s dictionary of contemporary english defines the word as "fashionable, cool."  for the past years, the word "phat" has been my defense.  when old friends see my bigger self and say, "war, you’re so fat now!", i imagine them saying the word "phat".  then, i would smile and say, "actually.  thank you."  guess, i can’t risk semantic ambiguity anymore.

yeah, i am vain.  yes, i want to look good and feel good.  if it’s a crime, then shoot me.